Five things the film “Is This Thing On?” gets wrong about the world of stand up.

Stand-up comedy is not about constantly talking about your feelings; if it was-why would straight men be so successful at it?

This week I saw the new Bradley Cooper film about stand-up comedy, loosely based on the life of John Bishop starring Will Arnett. As someone who survived fifteen years on the comedy circuit - I had thoughts.

Here are some clichés about stand-up we need to permanently drop from the set list.

1. The best stand-up is therapy.

At the start of this film, Will Arnett, forty-something, depressed and freshly dumped by his wife, wanders into a comedy club in search of a late-night drink. Just to avoid paying a cover charge, he signs up to perform at their open-mike night and immediately finds himself on stage.

He then spills his guts about his sad-sack life - with NO JOKES WHATSOEVER- and not only wins over the crowd but the grudging respect of the other comedians on the bill.

The problem is in this film, Will Arnett has all the natural funny bones of a dead family pet. He wears the same expression the entire time—startled and blinking, like Eeyore caught looking up porn at work and hauled into HR. Yet we're supposed to believe this set—more misguided late-night voice note than comedy—is all it takes for him to be embraced by the world of comedy.

How many times have we seen this before? The comedian walks on stage, strutting through their polished set. Then we see it, the shift in body language, the heavy sigh, the lean on the mike stand before the real truth bursts out. “Sorry…I can’t do this, I’m going to get real…today I just found out I’ve been colour blind my entire life!!! I feel so angry….I don’t even know if I’m seeing red…. I know what that colour looks like ANY MORE!!!!!” Cut to the crowd laughing knowingly and wiping a tear away - this is real comedy!

The only problem is that it has never happened once in the history of comedy. And even if it did, how sustainable would it be long term? If you’re gigging five nights a week, how long could you keep up that level of personal revelation on a daily basis, on the way to every gig before you cracked and just wrote some jokes?

Stand-up comedy is not about constantly talking about your feelings; if it was-why would straight men be so successful at it? Visit any comedy night, an art form we are told is all about getting “real”, and get ready to see man after man swerving any sort of emotional honesty to make jokes about their penis.They even created an entire arts festival in Edinburgh just to trick them into talking about their feelings by dangling the chance of winning an award. Even then, they can only manage it for five minutes towards the end of each show—and only if there are reviewers in the audience.

2. Comedians are friendly

Will Arnett’s character continues to do stand-up comedy; despite the fact that we never see him be funny and he spends the entire film with the joyful energy of a single child’s sock left abandoned on a railing in the park.

He is helped on this journey by a raggle-taggle group of stand-up comedians who give him advice, stage time and gig tips. This is where the film veers into science fiction. There are first nights in prison with more community vibes than most new acts nights. Open-mike comedians are not friendly. Success is Daddy’s love and they will fight to the death.

3. There are human beings at the new material gigs.

Most new act nights are 98% furniture and 2% other comedians glaring at you from their notebooks. The good news is that during your first year of doing stand you don’t have to worry about hecklers because not enough people are facing in the right direction.

4. If you are naturally funny, stand-up comedy is pretty easy.

Despite the fact he has all the comedy timing of an unexpectedly high tax bill, Will Arnett’s character quickly gets offered professional stage time. In many ways an unfunny straight man immediately getting paid work is the most realistic part of this film.

We’re encouraged to believe this is because he’s just naturally funny. He’s the rough diamond who just has IT, whatever the hell that is! This myth that some people are immediately good at stand up is why I could not get past season one of “The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel”. There is a moment I still can’t think about without wanting to throw something at a wall. Midge, who without any effort is a professional- level stand up, is taken to see stand-up so she can learn about her craft. “Look!”, her mentor says, “see how he pauses after he delivers the punchline - that gets him an extra laugh!” Midge nods her head, scribbles it down in her notebook and chirrups “Got it!”

I wish we’d seen the spin off series where Midge masters ballet after being taken to see one performance of The Nutcracker and just writes in her notebook: spin around very fast in one spot. GOT IT!!

Or when she figures out how to win the Olympic gold medal for 100 metres by writing down in her notebook: just run really fast!!!!

Or when she immediately understands how to land on the moon by jotting down: do a load of maths and then stare bravely out of a spacecraft window!!

Naturally funny people often become successful but not because it’s easier for them, because they are willing to work incredibly hard because they believe it will pay off. GOT IT!!!

5. Forty-something straight open-mike comedians are sexually irresistible.

After about three gigs, Will Arnett—the new face of sink-holes—is of course propositioned by a jaunty comedian at least twenty years younger than him. How could she resist? How often do you get to bag a middle-aged, averagely funny man who can only see his kids at the weekend? She’s only human!

Then after accidentally seeing her estranged husband on stage doing an extremely average set, his wife - played by LAURA DERN, is so turned on, she grabs him in the street outside, purrs “you do stand-up? That’s so hot!” and practically starts humping his leg.

Because what on earth is sexier than a middle-aged man doing an unpaid five minute set in a basement on a week night? No wonder LAURA DERN is frothing at the mouth!

Am I watching a mid-level Hollywood film or erotic fan fiction written by a 48-year old open-mike? What other storylines were they considering? He smashes a gig that happens to have every single woman who ever rejected him sexually in the audience? His final joke on cancel culture is so incredible, they line up begging for him to take them back but instead he leaves with his new girlfriend Sydney Sweeney - patiently waiting at the back with his jacket and notebook?

That’s when I worried this film wasn’t an attempt by Bradley Cooper to recreate the sort of thoughtful adult comedy dramas popularised by Albert Brooks in the 1970s.

This entire film was a psy-ops.

What if this film is actually manosphere propaganda designed to get more straight men into the world of stand-up? It’s the only thing that makes sense.

And can our culture survive MORE straight men in comedy?

In the US, their podcasts got a corrupt despot elected, in the UK they have single-handedly turned stand-up from storytelling into aggressively demanding how everyone in the front row knows each other.

Do we really need more Jimmy Carrs joking about either the mass murder of gypsies, why immigration is ruining the NHS or the need for kindness, depending on which social media platform he’s communicating on?

On a more serious note- can our democracy weather another male comedian travel show?

Please for the love of God, can we have more responsible depictions of middle-aged straight men in comedy: service station pasties at two in the morning, Travel Lodges, a shared car trip where the driver charges a suspiciously high amount for petrol money.

As a culture, we simply cannot afford a rush of straight men signing up for open mics because they think it will get them their wives back or a chance with Laura Dern. At least not until we can figure out what the hell is going on!